Stories of Loss and Hope
by Amanda Bricker, MA
It's been said, "If we have the capacity to love we will have the opportunity to grieve." Grief is a normal response to the loss of a loved one. As a Christian I wonder about the story of Jesus being deeply moved by Mary and Martha grieving their brother's death. When they told Jesus he had come too late, that Lazarus had died — Jesus wept.
In his moment of loss Jesus openly grieved. He allowed Mary and Martha to witness his grief — and we bear witness too, since the story is recorded for us. I take courage and comfort knowing that Jesus felt and expressed sadness and anger about death.
As a counselor I have the privilege of being entrusted with people's stories. I believe that our stories reflect the relational image of God as they weave in and out of the lives of those around us. Our stories share common themes of life such as loving and grieving, while at the same time they are sacredly unique. Sharing our stories as we grieve is a powerful part the healing process. When we put words to our experience, we invite the listener to know some of the sacred details and resonate with some of the common themes. Shared knowledge and resonating themes connect us to each other.
Healing is the process of integrating our loss into our lives. The key word here is "process." Integrating loss into life is not instantaneous. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, well known for her work with the emotions associated with death and dying, and subsequently grief, said, "Grief is rarely healed without being witnessed."
Another part of the healing process is allowing ourselves to feel the myriad of emotions and responses that accompany loss. According to Kübler-Ross, these things will include stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Occasionally these stages have been misunderstood to be definite, sequential, and linear.
Grief is not a linear process, it is multi-faceted and multi-layered. People rarely experience one stage of grief, complete it, and move on to the next never to revisit the previous stage. The process of integrating loss into our lives can be fluid and unpredictable. There is freedom knowing that the stages of grief are commonly shared but also uniquely experienced; there is not a timeline or even an expected sequence that must be followed.
When we tell our stories we not only share the facts, we ultimately share our feelings about our loss. In so doing, we take a risk entrusting pieces of our lives to trusted friends, family members or even strangers who are also in the process of grieving.
Taking risks to share our story with others often increases our capacity to hope. As hope increases, our ability to engage in the process of grieving and ultimately in living increases as well. We make the statement that our story matters, our feelings are significant, and that the life of our loved one was uniquely important to us. We are reminded that the capacity with which we loved has given us this opportunity to grieve — and we are inspired to integrate our loss into our lives through healing and hope.