Boundaries
by Rachel Moses, MA
I am one of those people who would like to be artistic enough to create masterpieces, but instead I usually resort to paint-by-numbers. Even then, my creation does not turn out like I hoped. The colors run together into a big grey blob – not the bright, vivid colors I intended.
Paint-by-number is an art to be learned. If I don’t stay within the set boundaries I lose the clarity, even the identity, of the picture that was meant to be. It is the same with life. If you don’t hold to healthy boundaries you lose your identity given by your Creator, your own vivid color – and you can feel like a big grey blob.
Boundaries are vital for self-identity. They help define where you end and where another person begins. If you become a "yes-man," blending your boundaries, you diffuse into everyone else’s life and get sapped of your own.
As a counselor I have seen boundary difficulties affect marriage relationships, friendships, parenting styles, and professional life. Those who struggle with defining boundaries feel at the mercy of others, responsible for every one else’s well being. They have no energy to give, and work out of a faulty belief that they have failed miserably or that they are selfish if they say "no." Their confidence can be skewed and continue to plummet.
A person with weak boundaries can have a real struggle with the person who does not respect boundaries in general. This person does not want to take responsibility for his or her own actions. The struggles they encounter are internalized as their spouse’s fault, their boss’s fault, or even their child’s fault. They, too, have a problem knowing where they end and the other person begins.
Another example of poor boundaries is when a person avoids his or her needs. These individuals say "no" to what is good. They won’t ask for help, fail to recognize their own needs, and come across as martyrs with the perspective, "If I don’t do it, no one else will." They withdraw from others and have very rigid boundaries to protect their emotions. As a result they believe that no one seems to care.
How do boundary struggles affect your life? It could be as simple as your spouse or coworker having a bad day. You find yourself on a roller coaster, feeling responsible for them not getting what they need done and taking on their work while neglecting your own. Or perhaps your teenager is making bad decisions, drinking and verbally abusing you, yet you find it difficult to separate where your responsibility ends and theirs begins.
What can you do to draw healthy boundaries? First, take a moment to ask yourself if you struggle with keeping your own boundaries or respecting the boundaries of others. If either answer is "yes," define which one and how. Then begin practicing healthy boundaries, examining the faulty beliefs mentioned above to help initiate changes. It may take some time, and it may be necessary to work with a professional counselor who can help you recognize where to draw the line to revive the vivid, beautiful colors God intended for your life.